The Great Heartland Biscuit Thread

Does exactly what it says on the tin. Some of the nonsense contained herein may be very loosely related to The Sisters of Mercy, but I wouldn't bet your PayPal account on it. In keeping with the internet's general theme nothing written here should be taken as Gospel: over three quarters of it is utter gibberish, and most of the forum's denizens haven't spoken to another human being face-to-face for decades. Don't worry your pretty little heads about it. Above all else, remember this: You don't have to stay forever. I will understand.
User avatar
Swinnow
Overbomber
Posts: 2718
Joined: 15 Mar 2005, 08:51
Location: Self-isolating from feral Guinea Pigs

@EPWB - Next time you're in olde Englande I'll buy you a teapot my friend :)
....if I have to explain, then you'll never understand....
User avatar
Debaser
Overbomber
Posts: 4631
Joined: 30 Jan 2002, 00:00
Location: Lincoln. UK

abridged wrote:
EmmaPeelWannaBe wrote:
abridged wrote: Have always wondered has anyone actually ever eaten Shortbread willingly and not at Christmas? Generations of little kids traumatised by being forced to eat this bland biscuit/cake mix... :urff: :wink:
Blasphemy! Shortbread- 3 ingredients: the perfect ratio of butter to sugar and flour to make it all stick together. It holds up well when dunked in a cuppa. And is even available shaped like scottie dogs!

If fact, shortbread represents the high-point of biscuit technology.
Dunked Shortbread???!!! The horror! If there was a Geneva Biscuit Convention it would be surely a war-crime! :wink:
Shortbread can only be dunked in a milky coffee or a big glass of cold, cold milk.
Five cups of coffee just to be myself...when I'd rather be somebody else
User avatar
Debaser
Overbomber
Posts: 4631
Joined: 30 Jan 2002, 00:00
Location: Lincoln. UK

Pista wrote:
Debaser wrote:Oh - and Timtams all the way from Oz.
Have you tried the Tim Tam Slam yet?
No but am always willing. Explain further ;)
Five cups of coffee just to be myself...when I'd rather be somebody else
User avatar
Pista
Cureboi
Posts: 14848
Joined: 25 Jun 2006, 15:03
Location: Lost In A Forest
Contact:

Debaser wrote:
Pista wrote:
Debaser wrote:Oh - and Timtams all the way from Oz.
Have you tried the Tim Tam Slam yet?
No but am always willing. Explain further ;)
Righto. You will need a Tim Tam & your hot beverage of choice.
Bite the opposite, diagonal corners off the Tim Tam.
Dunk one bitten off corner into the beverage & suck as hard as you can on the other bitten off corner.
Once you feel the Tim Tam has reached optimal saturation, cram that sucker into your gob & let it melt.
There is a pretty amusing wikihow page on this with diagrams if you need additional directions :)
Cheers.
Steve
Just like the old days

TheCureCommunity
User avatar
Debaser
Overbomber
Posts: 4631
Joined: 30 Jan 2002, 00:00
Location: Lincoln. UK

Pista wrote:
Debaser wrote:
Pista wrote: Have you tried the Tim Tam Slam yet?
No but am always willing. Explain further ;)
Righto. You will need a Tim Tam & your hot beverage of choice.
Bite the opposite, diagonal corners off the Tim Tam.
Dunk one bitten off corner into the beverage & suck as hard as you can on the other bitten off corner.
Once you feel the Tim Tam has reached optimal saturation, cram that sucker into your gob & let it melt.
There is a pretty amusing wikihow page on this with diagrams if you need additional directions :)
Ahhhhhhh - I do this with Twix. I am ahead of my time :D
Five cups of coffee just to be myself...when I'd rather be somebody else
User avatar
EmmaPeelWannaBe
Slight Overbomber
Posts: 1466
Joined: 10 Jul 2015, 21:55
Location: San Francisco

Swinnow wrote:@EPWB - Next time you're in olde Englande I'll buy you a teapot my friend :)
Lol - filled with G&T?
User avatar
EvilBastard
Overbomber
Posts: 3849
Joined: 01 Feb 2006, 17:48
Location: Where the Ruined Tower shouts

Some of our tea bags have been misbehaving.

It seems that Yorkshire tea-bags are so rock that the tea wants to get out of the bag to deliver a good kicking to the miscreants who attempt to put the milk in before removing the bag (or something. tl;dr)
"I won't go down in history, but I probably will go down on your sister."
Hank Moody
User avatar
markfiend
goriller of form 3b
Posts: 20486
Joined: 11 Nov 2003, 10:55
Location: st custards
Contact:

Tea is serious business in Yarkshire
advanced, forthright, signifficant
User avatar
Swinnow
Overbomber
Posts: 2718
Joined: 15 Mar 2005, 08:51
Location: Self-isolating from feral Guinea Pigs

The previous Ms Swinnow is a Lancastrian by birth but works in a huge hospital in the wastes of eastern Leeds and delights in taking boxes of Lancashire Tea to work :lol:
....if I have to explain, then you'll never understand....
User avatar
emilystrange
Above the Chemist
Posts: 8652
Joined: 03 Nov 2003, 20:26
Location: Lady Strange's boudoir.

She's in the right place if she gets bopped on the head, then!
I just can't keep living on dreams no more
User avatar
Pista
Cureboi
Posts: 14848
Joined: 25 Jun 2006, 15:03
Location: Lost In A Forest
Contact:

I seem to recall Chris sending out a Yorkshire Tea teabag with one of the EM pledges a couple of years back. Or was it with a t shirt?
Cheers.
Steve
Just like the old days

TheCureCommunity
User avatar
Swinnow
Overbomber
Posts: 2718
Joined: 15 Mar 2005, 08:51
Location: Self-isolating from feral Guinea Pigs

Being a Cheshire lad myself I take no side in these Yorkshire v Lancashire trivialities.
....if I have to explain, then you'll never understand....
User avatar
EvilBastard
Overbomber
Posts: 3849
Joined: 01 Feb 2006, 17:48
Location: Where the Ruined Tower shouts

Swinnow wrote:Being a Cheshire lad myself I take no side in these Yorkshire v Lancashire trivialities.
"Trivialities"?! :eek:
They may seem trivial to you, laddy, but it's well known that the denizens of the Slough Of Despond gaze with envious eyes at Yorkshire tea-making prowess and would stop at nothing to possess it. The price of peace is eternal vigilance, and FUCT maintains a network of continually-personned surveillance posts to ensure that no sticky-fingered miscreants from Criminal City venture over the border on covert operations to plunder Yorkshire's fabled tea mines, her biscuit quarries, or her lush parkin forests.
"I won't go down in history, but I probably will go down on your sister."
Hank Moody
User avatar
Swinnow
Overbomber
Posts: 2718
Joined: 15 Mar 2005, 08:51
Location: Self-isolating from feral Guinea Pigs

I see my educational duties in Yorkshire are still far from complete. :innocent: :cry:
....if I have to explain, then you'll never understand....
User avatar
EmmaPeelWannaBe
Slight Overbomber
Posts: 1466
Joined: 10 Jul 2015, 21:55
Location: San Francisco

EvilBastard wrote:
Swinnow wrote:Being a Cheshire lad myself I take no side in these Yorkshire v Lancashire trivialities.
Wise man, I can see more fierce battles over tea bragging rights than over roses.

"Trivialities"?! :eek:
They may seem trivial to you, laddy, but it's well known that the denizens of the Slough Of Despond gaze with envious eyes at Yorkshire tea-making prowess and would stop at nothing to possess it. The price of peace is eternal vigilance, and FUCT maintains a network of continually-personned surveillance posts to ensure that no sticky-fingered miscreants from Criminal City venture over the border on covert operations to plunder Yorkshire's fabled tea mines, her biscuit quarries, or her lush parkin forests.
And how does FUCT view herbal tea? (and as an American i pronounce it "erbal" tea.)
User avatar
EvilBastard
Overbomber
Posts: 3849
Joined: 01 Feb 2006, 17:48
Location: Where the Ruined Tower shouts

EmmaPeelWannaBe wrote:And how does FUCT view herbal tea? (and as an American i pronounce it "erbal" tea.)
The tea-v-herbal infusion debate could and indeed does fill multiple volumes in the FUCT archives, ranging from 1793 schism that resulted in the short-lived Franco-Belgian Treaté Internationale des Tisanes (or TITs) to the attempted coup by left-wing elements within FUCT in the late 1960s to promote “herbal teas� as more fitting to the socialist ideals and anti-imperialist mood of the times (under the slogan “Proper Tea is Theft�).

All that aside, however, despite FUCT’s “fundamentalist� stance, we are prepared to concede that tea made from the cured leaves of the noble Camellia Sinensis is by its very definition a tisane, and thus those who prefer to drink other beverages made in a similar fashion are no longer cast into the howling wastes (at least, not since the extraordinary convocation of the Second FUCT Synod in 1974, referred to affectionately as Cuppa Two). There was some opposition to allowing the Tisane Working Alliance Triumvirate to attend official FUCT events since they tended to be somewhat disruptive and no-one liked them anyway, but since the creation of a new multi-partite High Tea Council in 1997, replacing the office of Teapot-Bearer-In-Chief who wielded sole executive power, the attitudes of FUCT have softened somewhat. Thus, drinkers of non-Camellia-based tisanes are allowed to attend council meetings with Observer status, but may not propose or vote on resolutions or stand for elected office. They’re allowed to sit on working groups, though, and they’re still invited to the Christmas party.

However, I should not want it believed that we’re any less fundamentalist in our approach to heretics than we were at the founding of our church. Anyone who refers to it as "erbal tea" is taken outside and stoned to death using stale pink wafers. In practice, of course, death doesn’t normally occur, but the heretic often finds himself shunned until appropriate penance is made, generally in the form of enough dark-chocolate Digestives (McVities only) to placate the Office Of The Grand Inquisitor (takes about 4 packets, since you’re asking).
"I won't go down in history, but I probably will go down on your sister."
Hank Moody
User avatar
EmmaPeelWannaBe
Slight Overbomber
Posts: 1466
Joined: 10 Jul 2015, 21:55
Location: San Francisco

I assume that all factions within the complete le FUCT maintain a hard line on the subject of iced tea (unless it's of the Long Island variety, which doesn't taste great, but serves a purpose)

Guidance in dining with the miscreants who drink the non-alcoholic variety in the presence of others would be greatly appreciated.

-Steepless in San Francisco
User avatar
markfiend
goriller of form 3b
Posts: 20486
Joined: 11 Nov 2003, 10:55
Location: st custards
Contact:

Am I right in thinking that the recipe for Long Island Ice Tea is "all the booze you can find with a dash of cola"?
advanced, forthright, signifficant
User avatar
EmmaPeelWannaBe
Slight Overbomber
Posts: 1466
Joined: 10 Jul 2015, 21:55
Location: San Francisco

markfiend wrote:Am I right in thinking that the recipe for Long Island Ice Tea is "all the booze you can find with a dash of cola"?
Served with an umbrella and a straw
User avatar
EvilBastard
Overbomber
Posts: 3849
Joined: 01 Feb 2006, 17:48
Location: Where the Ruined Tower shouts

EmmaPeelWannaBe wrote:I assume that all factions within the complete le FUCT maintain a hard line on the subject of iced tea (unless it's of the Long Island variety, which doesn't taste great, but serves a purpose)

Guidance in dining with the miscreants who drink the non-alcoholic variety in the presence of others would be greatly appreciated.

-Steepless in San Francisco
Dear Steepless

Here's the thing - we'd dearly love to depict iced-tea drinkers as heretical scum for whom no punishment is adequate. But there's a problem, and it's this: iced tea is really refreshing, just like hot tea is. I'm assuming we're talking here about tea that has been made properly in the first place, not some pre-powered sugar-laden nonsense that comes out of a jar?
But as with so many things it has a time and a place - for example, if you're out to lunch with your boss, and he/she's not drinking, iced tea is a fine option. If you're out with your friends and you don't have to perform open heart surgery later in the afternoon, then it's not only a poor option, it's no option at all.
Alcoholic ersatz iced teas, be they of the Long or Staten Island, or Texas, varieties, are suitable only for children or the infirm. Nothing good has ever come out of Long Island (with the possible exceptions of Pat Benatar, Cyndi Lauper, and Lou Reed), and that includes "iced tea".

Nothing wrong, mind, with bracing a glass of iced tea with a belt of vodka. Just so long as you're not tempted to dunk anything in it - on that a firm line must be drawn in the sand, beyond which there lay only trackless wastes populated by people who consider custard creams to be adequate biscuits, or Lipton's to make anything other than tea which all other tea despise.

Hope this helps.

Wishing you and yours a jolly tea-filled festive season appropriate to the faith or otherwise to which you subscribe. And remember: a teapot is for life, not just for christmas/hogswatch/hanukkah/St. Bastard's Thursday - we see so many abandoned pots in the shelter at this time of year so please, if you're thinking about giving a tea-pot to a friend or loved one, please consider adopting one that's very much in need of a loving home.

FUCT
"I won't go down in history, but I probably will go down on your sister."
Hank Moody
User avatar
EvilBastard
Overbomber
Posts: 3849
Joined: 01 Feb 2006, 17:48
Location: Where the Ruined Tower shouts

EmmaPeelWannaBe wrote:
markfiend wrote:Am I right in thinking that the recipe for Long Island Ice Tea is "all the booze you can find with a dash of cola"?
Served with an umbrella and a straw
Wot, no maraschino cherry!? :eek: TF is wrong with you people! I expect a cherry, slice of pineapple, and a slice of orange if I'm ordering a cocktail, else it's just a load of booze in a cup. I can get that at home - I come out for the ambiance, y'know.
"I won't go down in history, but I probably will go down on your sister."
Hank Moody
User avatar
markfiend
goriller of form 3b
Posts: 20486
Joined: 11 Nov 2003, 10:55
Location: st custards
Contact:

Old news I know, but new to me... More food-related WTFery

Proctor and Gamble tried to argue that Pringles weren't crisps
advanced, forthright, signifficant
User avatar
EvilBastard
Overbomber
Posts: 3849
Joined: 01 Feb 2006, 17:48
Location: Where the Ruined Tower shouts

This is vital research on a woefully-underfunded and criminally-misunderstood topic. You will be pleased to learn that we have invited Dr Len Fisher to deliver the keynote address at the Heartland Tea & Biccies Conference.

Thanks to Pista for bringing this noble research to my attention.
"I won't go down in history, but I probably will go down on your sister."
Hank Moody
User avatar
Being645
Above the Chemist
Posts: 12820
Joined: 09 Apr 2009, 12:54
Location: reconstruction status: 71%

... :lol: ... hihi, that is a lovely enlightening read, even for the non-dunkers ... 8) :lol: ...
User avatar
EmmaPeelWannaBe
Slight Overbomber
Posts: 1466
Joined: 10 Jul 2015, 21:55
Location: San Francisco

another reason to dunk
Image
My life is one long week of stupid clothing benders.
Post Reply